Tag Archives: rusine


he, the darkness..

daca nu as sti ce stiu acum despre Bill Zeller, acum cand ma uit peste fotografiile adunate pe un site de prietenii si colegii sai.. m-as gandi ca Bill este un norocos.. tanar, frumos, inteligent, doctorat la princeton, intern la google.. poate ca m-as gandi ca ar avea o problema cu alcoolul (roseata din obraji si prezenta paharului in mana in multe din poze).. sau, urmarind directia privirii, aproape mereu in jos sau intr-o parte, si zambetul stanjenit, m-as gandi ca e putin timid si neindemanatec in relatiile cu ceilalti.. dar pana la urma, nu-i asa, mai toti programatorii au hibe in comportamentul de socializare..  m-as gandi ca ar putea chiar deveni the next zuckerberg sau “doar” vp intr-o companie din sillicon valley, casa, masina, sotie, copii si un divort dupa 40 de ani.. ma gandesc ca, pentru cea mai mare parte a vietii sale de adult, Bill a crezut si el ca si mine..

pe 5 ianuarie 2011, Bill s-a sinucis si a lasat in urma o scrisoare

o scrisoare despre intuneric, viata in intuneric si moartea in intuneric

o scrisoare care incepe asa:

“My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly.”

daca abuzul sexual ar fi o boala a copilariei, Bill ar fi un excelent clinician. un clinician al propriei suferinte. la un moment dat, scrisoarea este o insirare de simptome:

– In kindergarten I couldn’t use the bathroom and would stand petrified whenever I needed to, which started a trend of awkward and unexplained social behavior.
– I remember spending hours playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold, plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It’s the same thing I do now, but instead of legos it’s surfing the web or reading or listening to a baseball game.
– At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage
– hours of eating or staying up for days at a time or sleeping for sixteen hours straight or week long programming binges or constantly going to the gym.
– Three to four nights a week I have nightmares about what happened. It makes me avoid sleep and constantly tired
– Alcohol was also something that let me escape the darkness. Alcohol and other drugs provided a way to ignore the realities of my situation.
… In kindergarten I couldn’t use the bathroom and would stand petrified whenever I needed to, which started a trend of awkward and unexplained social behavior.
… I remember spending hours playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold, plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It’s the same thing I do now, but instead of legos it’s surfing the web or reading or listening to a baseball game.
… At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage
… hours of eating or staying up for days at a time or sleeping for sixteen hours straight or week long programming binges or constantly going to the gym.
… Three to four nights a week I have nightmares about what happened. It makes me avoid sleep and constantly tired…
… Alcohol was also something that let me escape the darkness. Alcohol and other drugs provided a way to ignore the realities of my situation…
si, mai ales, simptomul reprezentat de insasi existenta acestei scrisori.. ruperea legaturii intre sine si propria experienta de viata, detasarea de propria subiectivitate, privirea rece, din afara care ii permite sa consemneze cu atata luciditate tragedia personala..
I actively despise the person I am. I just feel fundamentally broken, almost non-human. I feel like an animal that woke up one day in a human body, trying to make sense of a foreign world, living among creatures it doesn’t understand and can’t connect with.
***
Bill este un barbat lucid.. rand pe rand, da la o parte orice iluzie.. se desparte de toate formele de visare care ne permit sa traim cu durerea.. stie ca fumatul cauzeaza cancer si isi mai aprinde o (ultima) tigara.
… Relationships didn’t work. No one I dated was the right match… Part of me knew that finding the right person wouldn’t help, so I became interested in girls who obviously had no interest in me.
… I recognize the irony of killing myself to prevent myself from killing someone else…
… And yes, I realize this indicates that I have severe trust issues…
… I know many people have it worse than I do…
… I haven’t touched alcohol or any other drug in over seven months (and no drugs or alcohol will be involved when I do this)
… I know that my mom, at least, loved me very much and tried her best…
***
probabil ca literatura si religia si muzica si celelalte ca ele sunt pentru ca oamenii sa poata vorbi despre intuneric..
Bill poate vorbi despre intuneric fara a face literatura pentru ca stie ce va urma..
mortii pot vorbi despre intuneric..
si il pot numi.
la inceput este “the darkness
apoi este “it
la final este “he
“el” cel care a comis abuzul nu este “el” care a creat suferinta care a urmat, neintrerupta, de-a lungul anilor.. dar natura lor este aceeasi si se adapa de la acelasi izvor al raului..
… I was able to keep the darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required intense concentration, but it would always come back…
… There’s no future here. The darkness will always be with me. I used to think if I solved some problem or achieved some goal, maybe he would leave…
… I didn’t realize how deep a hold he had on me and my life until my first relationship. Instead of being an escape, relationships and romantic contact with other people only intensified everything about him that I couldn’t stand. I will never be able to have a relationship in which he is not the focus, affecting every aspect of my romantic interactions…

***
intunericul locuieste intr-o casa a carei usa este inchisa cu cheia. cheia este in broasca, pe partea dinauntru a usii. numele cheii este “rusine”.
… I’ve told different people a lot of things, but I’ve never told anyone about what happened to me, ever…
… I have no interest in being part of a friendship or relationship where the other person views me as the damaged and contaminated person that I am…

***
in ce masura intunericul este cel care a format imaginea lui Bill despre familia sa sau daca familia a fost cea care a construit zidurile de izolare si autodistrugere este, acum si oricand, irelevant..
… I’d also like to address my family, if you can call them that. I despise everything they stand for and I truly hate them, in a non-emotional, dispassionate and what I believe is a healthy way. The world will be a better place when they’re dead–one with less hatred and intolerance… If you’re unfamiliar with the situation, my parents are fundamentalist Christians who kicked me out of their house and cut me off financially when I was 19 because I refused to attend seven hours of church a week… Their church was always more important than the members of their family…
in ce masura intunericul este cel care a format imaginea lui Bill despre medicii si psihoterapeutii cu care s-a intalnit sau daca acestia au pus, la randul lor, ciment in zidurile de izolare si autodistrugere este, acum si oricand, irelevant..
... More than a few [doctors, psychotherapists] spent a large part of the session reading their notes to remember who I was…

***
recunosc ca, initial, am fost inclincat sa cred ca aceasta scrisoare este un fals (internetul are aceasta calitate de a adauga sufixul pseudo- oricarei experiente relatate in mediul virtual).. gandurile, emotiile, comportamentele erau parca desprinse dintr-un manual despre consecintele abuzului sexual asupra copiilor.. scheme carora li s-a dat un nume si o poveste.. apoi m-am gandit ca, in stadiul final, toate persoanele fara adapost arata la fel.. toate victimele inchise in rusine si intuneric vorbesc aceeasi limba..
***
apoi m-am intrebat daca eu as fi putut face ceva pentru Bill.. evident, intrebarea nu (mai) are rost.. si am scris aceste randuri pentru cei care, la fel ca Bill, isi duc viata intr-o inchisoare de intuneric si rusine..
***
exista, de cand lumea, un drum.. a yellow brick road..
***
si orice drum incepe cu deschiderea usii..